Back when I was teaching yoga, I submersed myself in the physical aspect of the practice: making sure my students' alignment was pristine, that I understood the anatomy of the postures, that I was able to get into a headstand in the middle of the room with ease, because once I did, I could "teach with confidence."
I would beat myself up for not being able to perfect that arm balance or for being overly tired while standing in a warrior pose. My life revolved around being the "perfect" teacher. Making the perfect impression.
Looking back now, I realize how selfish I was ....I realize now that this is why I left teaching...
I always used the excuse that I felt like I wasn't ready to teach yet, that I felt unprepared, inadequate, that I became too busy, too preoccupied to focus on my students and their practices. I felt like I was letting them down. So I stopped teaching and let go of my own practice all together as well...attending the occasional class or workshop but all the while, leaving my heart at home, not realizing that I should have been clenching on to both my heart and my practice with dear life.
We all have a way to connect with ourselves. With our souls and our spirituality.
Some use religion, or surfing, or retreats, or drugs......most people haven't found that connection....
I know I often feel like I am still searching for the absolute connection to my very own spirit.
For me, yoga has been my fail-proof way to provide, at the very least, a vehicle in the search.
Yoga, in itself, is not THE connection...but it has always provided me with a tool to open the door to continue the search.
Because, what's left without the search?
When I recently came back from Spain, I promised myself to become reacquainted with my yoga practice. And so I have....forcing myself to "get on the mat" (also my new mantra)...
Only this time, my outlook has been different. I no longer look to get into a side crow or twisted scissors, my flamingo looks more like a stork than anything else. My headstand is wobbly as hell and I almost took out the guy standing next to me in last night's class while attempting a tri-pod. Truth is, I have tons of work to do, both on the inside and out. I have years of abuse to deal with, years of sticky, gross mental guck to remove, all of which cause me to lose balance, strength, focus....
This "stuff" is tough to get rid of, it is useless but it lingers...
The hardest part of working to remove said "stuff" is letting go of control, letting go of those thoughts that make you want to hold on to the past, those mental pictures of the people and the places that you think are "yours," quieting the mental chatter that tells you: "you should have done this or you shouldn't have done that", all these thoughts are insignificant because the past is gone, and as hard as it is to let go, that's the first step to opening up to receive....the first step to fully understanding who you are, what your purpose is, what you want, and who you were meant to be. We put so much focus in to our careers, our reputations, into the judgements that people pass onto us, into our mistakes, both our failures and how many times we have succeeded. Every time I "get on the mat" I set an intention to "let go and to send light."
This intention is set for every single aspect of my life, every little thing that I believe in, even the most important things....I intend to let go of and send light to.....this way, there is no longer a selfish motive for me to hold on....truth is, if it's yours, it'll be yours whether you struggle to hold on to it or let it go.
I believe in balance, I believe in love, I believe in the universe, and in people. Call me naive, or strange, or overly dramatic, but these are the things I believe in. Even through the craziness that has been my life, I still believe in people because we are all the same....all part of the same big ball of energy. Every action, every word continues to create this big ball of energy....with each thought, each action, we are and continue to be.
Historically, I have been known to act spontaneously, and have been warned time and time again as to how this can be dangerous.
I have tried feverishly to change this about myself, but should I? Isn't spontaneity honest?
Recently, it was pointed out to me that "having a tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experience" is a "symptom of spiritual awakening."
I still have to simmer in that statement for a little while....
Spontaneous or not, I also believe in telling people how you truly feel, I believe that when you have a connection with someone you should explore it and enjoy it, I believe that when you love someone, you should want to be there for them, care for them and tell them this is how you feel because those words (all words - both negative or positive) have an effect on the entire universe. Even when you feel like your heart aches every time you think of someone, or when you wake up out of a dead sleep because the connection is so strong, these feelings are all energy...energy that helps us understand our surroundings, that helps us to grow, to evolve. It is important for people to know they are appreciated because without that appreciation, we would just live. We would not be alive. There's a saying that (roughly) says: The sun rises each day, and it continues to rise, but without someone admiring it and saying "look how beautiful the sun rise is" then all it does is just rise.
We have the ability to appreciate....to express....to decide....to let go.....we have the ability to turn things around, to love, to believe, to search.
So I search. And I start with yoga.
Lately, hot yoga, to be more specific.....
The kind of yoga that turns your mat into a slip and slide and your entire body is drenched in sweat.
When you're in downward facing dog, the sweat pours out of you like an open faucet, but you continue to breathe, and move, and link and think, and try to let go....
I often cry during my practice, not because of how hot it is in there or how bad the postures burn, but because of how much I am letting go and how hard it is for me to focus, I cry for lost love and betrayal, for things I've done and haven't done, there are tears that cover my face, and luckily, I can control the sobbing enough to where it could sound like ujjayi breathing to my neighbor. This has become an art. To drown tears in sweat...it's a good thing it's 107 degrees in there.
The spiritual aspect of yoga has always been intriguing to me and was originally the main reason I began teaching. The story of Shiva and Shakti and their union, the Bhagavad Gita, the Pradipika, and listening to Joy and Julian talk about Chakras and Nadis, all led me to want to further my practice and share my passion and knowledge with my students. I know now that maybe it wasn't the right time in my life for me to do that.
I dream of teaching again and what it would be like to give 100% of myself to my students, to be able to be fully free of judgment and of ego...but I often correct myself that if that were the case, if I gave 100% and I'd be totally free of judgment and ego, then wouldn't I cease to exist?
The one thing I always shared with my students was the belief that we are all a work in progress...every single second, movement, thought, breath, is an opportunity to move forward, to find balance.
And it's okay to be spontaneous, to ENJOY things, to SAY things, to SHARE things with one another, because after all, we are all the same.
I've always been incredibly connected to these creatures, the artists, authors, creators, musicians, drug addicts, psychopaths, and I have undoubtedly attracted these people as well over the course of my life. Could be the fact that ever since I can remember my house was full of them. All friends of my father, with their strange clothes and thick cigarette breath, some smelled like patchouli, others of French perfume laced with marijuana smoke. I remember bouncing around in my pj's from group to group listening in on their stories until my step mother would grab me by the hand and through a clenched smile, tell me to get to bed. 
A few years later, I remember being in the ocean, pushed under by a wave, feeling free, happy, completely out of breath and once again absolutely helpless and vulnerable and feeling total joy. 
