There's something funny about the rain.....

There's a pretty sweet storm rolling in from off of the ocean.
Tiny droplets of water have begun to stream down the window in front of me and through a cracked door, I can smell the sea.


Right now, life is full of sukha-- especially in the middle of a storm.
Today was one of those days, where things just made sense....
In the middle of lunch, in between sips from my maca-goji smoothie and laughter with a friend, my heart became full of gratitude and light, randomly for no reason whatsoever, I looked up at the vastness and just......understood.


I understood everything about the universe and God and life and love..and for some reason, at that moment....it just clicked.


The world made perfect sense...and I understood the complexity and simplicity of it all....
All at once.



I have these moments frequently.


Like the instances when I'm driving in the car and I'm looking at the world pass me by through the window, and he grabs my hand, and I can feel the love...


Or those fragments of time when I'm doing yoga and I can literally feel my heart breaking open.
I find those moments in the laughter of children, in his laughter when he laughs at me and the moments where I just want to crawl into him forever and ever, in the smell of wood burning, the way my fingers feel when sand rushes through them and the feeling of sun shining against my skin.
In the way my heart beats into my soul at the very instant when I fall asleep.....




These are the moments where I just know...that life is much bigger than me.
That every little detail in every single day is exactly as it should be.
That there is no reason to worry, we are all here to learn, to live, to fail, to find redemption.
We are all here, together, going through the same struggles, day in, day out...
These moments of clarity prove.....that we are safe. Always safe.




And then the rain comes.




In all its glory...


With thunder and lightning it washes the past away, and through the glimmer of residual water, it proves that the future is bright for all of us......and once again, nature proves itself to be the greatest remedy.....




It is through nature...through love.....that we find these moments....and in these moments, we can finally hear the voice of God.








"Fortunately, healthy people experience almost daily flashes of vision- the peak experience- which makes us aware that there is something badly wrong with our basic assumptions: they bring the flash of 'absurd good news'"


-Colin Wilson

My Letter to Santa.....

Dear Santa,

All of a sudden, I woke up one morning and it was December.
Just like that.....

And I wonder.....where has all the magic gone?
And when did all this time pass?

I remember mulled cider by the sea and walking through the bright lights, houses lit, people glowing. I can still smell fresh pine and wintergreen and sugar cookies in the oven...I can hear my dad's loud, yet whimsical whistling while hanging the Christmas lights...and yelling at our dog, Simon, to stop poking at his ladder.

There is an extraordinarily warm, magical feeling that arises every time I think of you....and the slight chance that this will be the year when I can finally see you crawling through the chimney, even if I do have to stay up all night.

Through my struggles, and my mistakes, I think it's safe to say, that all in all, I've been a good girl this year.....despite the less than graceful times I had while letting go, and some of those late nights when I said things I shouldn't have said, and done things I shouldn't have done, despite some of the judgments I've passed, mistruths I've told, sat at home and drank wine when I should've been at yoga practice, people I have unintentionally and mistakenly neglected, and some buttons I may have pushed a little more than I should have.....I can say confidently that my main focus this year has been to lead with love....to live lightly and openly....to spread as much light as possible...even though darkness sometimes tried to prevail.....I have mostly been honest with myself and others....even though sometimes truth can be difficult to face.

I have, more than anything, struggled to keep the magic alive in my heart...to find the beauty in the present moment, to live like a child, in awe and wonder with the world, to be vulnerable, to be fearless....to find that extraordinarily warm, magical feeling, even in the mundane. In the way time stands still when you're laying in the arms of someone you love, in the first glimpse of sunshine peeking in through your windows, in the way you look at someone and you just KNOW that they are part of you, in the laughter of your friends, the smell of burning wood, the way sand feels through your hands as it falls through your fingers, in pizza dinners with your family...to find the magic in the every day...to remain present and focused, this has been my struggle....and my goal.

Truth is, Santa, we create this feeling within ourselves....even though we are bombarded with the every day routine....and even though magic may not be on top of everyone's list, we still have the ability to create it, and manifest it, and spread it....because magic and love, those things spread like wildfire....I've seen it, even in the darkest of places...a little bit of light goes a long way.

And it is way more important than people think. It is the essence of life.....

Magic starts, like most other things, with gratitude...and love.

Because walking into the living room and seeing the man you love, very much against his will, struggling with the Christmas tree, and yelling at the needles and sap that are stuck to his forehead...

Because seeing him smile, even though he's trying not to...

Because breathing in the smell of freshly cut pine, first thing in the morning....

Because laughing at the silliness of it all, the reindeer antlers, the dancing santas, the grinches....


Because that kiss good night...

And that good morning hug...

Because that phone call or text...

Because the effort and energy you give....and the effort and energy you get....

Because all of these things....they are magic.....and they are love....

These are the moments we create...these are the moments we will look back on and wonder..
Where has all the magic gone?

And then we will see, that the answer is simple...
We ARE the magic...

So, Mr. Claus, I have a deal to make with you....

Since I've been mostly good all year, I'd like to ask for one thing in return:

Can you create the desire in the hearts of the world to seek magic in the every day?
Can you open the eyes of those who don't see that they hold the power to create a shift, to shine love, to create a rift......to BE magic?

Because as soon as we all see that we have that power, we will heal the world.
And we will all look up at the sky, and finally understand....

We are all made of magic.
And we are all love.


That, Santa, is what I want for Christmas.

Love,

Lali



P.S. Some mulled cider would be nice too.

Blue Moon and Melatonin

Things I learned while staring at the ceiling at 3AM:

1. A blue moon has the uncanny ability to simultaneously light up an entire one bedroom apartment and keep both a (very sleepy) English bulldog and a very thoughtful human awake for an obscene amount of time.

2. Every morning, there is an actual physical, emotional, and spiritual rebirth that takes place...if you are awake during the latter part of the process, you can actually feel this happening. It is magic, especially during a new moon. Thoughts regenerate…cells regenerate…..you can feel things and sense things…and you can figure shit out….and actually understand the lessons you need to learn.

3. Some people really drain the life out of you. They steal your energy, like vampires. No matter how shiny they look, or how beautiful you perceive them to be…if it feels wrong, if you feel heavy when you are around them, you HAVE to let them go….people will judge you no matter what. Do what is right for YOU.

4. One of my neighbors likes to smoke pot right around 3:15. Maybe they can’t sleep either.

5. Every single person has a past. We’ve all partied until 5AM on countless nights, made really poor dating decisions, spent way more money than we should have, experimented, lied, cheated, been cheated on, broken hearts, gossiped, been manipulative, had their heart broken, been less than healthy, failed at something that mattered the world, had to rebuild a life, danced around naked in the rain (Ok, maybe that last one isn’t true for everyone)…and STILL some people think that they have the right to criticize and judge, and turn their noses up at others. And last night’s lesson was, that you should respect those people. They are on their own path, love them anyway, but remove them from your life quickly….gracefully…and run…far…away.

6. Charlie’s breath is horrible. Must be from eating Taco Tuesday leftovers.

7. I am extremely proud of the people in my circle….my friends….my soulmates….my besties…..some of them have left six figure jobs, busted their asses in school, and without a second thought, made sandwiches for people while they chase their dreams. Others have left bad marriages and have flourished with new careers, and a stronger, brighter self-esteem. A few have experienced breaking apart, piecing back together, recovering from severe addictions to become a change the world needs, they have risen from the ashes, they have picked up and moved to far-away places, they have built beautiful lives for themselves, struggled to do what they love, to help others, to be good friends, mothers, brothers, wives….I’m sure they have all judged themselves from time to time, but few have truly judged others…and most have never judged me…

8. This lesson is simple…but it’s a difficult one to learn: The past is gone. The future is never guaranteed. The time to create yourself is now….it doesn’t matter who you were or who you will be. Every “now” is another opportunity to be the best possible version of yourself.

9. I’d like to believe that everyone is striving for self-improvement and self-discovery. Everyone is just trying to live….to be better…..this is a belief of mine…which is why I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt…and this is why I love so much. This is who I am. This is not going to change. Even if I get burned. Period.

10. I need to pick up Lavender Oil, Toilet bowl cleaner, and a new mop head next time I go grocery shopping…. And Melatonin. I need Melatonin too.

Stubborn, Stubborn Love

"The more you are motivated by love, the more fearless and free your actions will be." -Dalai Lama

I just picked up an old journal, for no reason at all, and began to read.
It was from January and I was writing from an airport in Trinidad.
Laying on my suitcase.
On the floor.
In the middle of the night.
My world had recently been completely turned upside down.
I was being guided strictly by a crazy unseen force that told me to get on an airplane.

And so I took whatever change I had secretly collected after the divorce, and I booked a flight.

January 19, 2013

 "I am light at the moment. Not weighed down by man or woman. Or prison, or guilt, or furniture or things. It's as if there are no weights. No anchors. No structure or outcome in sight.
Most of my being is scared to death. Overcome by fear. It's as if a security blanket has been lifted off of my life and I feel terribly...open.... and magnificently vulnerable. I feel open to receive...open to live....and this feeling is frightening. But isn't this what I've been asking for all along?
And here comes that same feeling again -of- 'I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve all of this LOVE...all of these wonderful things.' And so anxiety fills me....and I can't help but wonder if the rug will be swept out from underneath me all over again. I have to constantly remind myself that I am the only one holding myself hostage. I am creating my very own prison....and I catch myself saying out loud.... 'I am free....I am free....I am free'"

I've been reading a lot about love, fear, mindfulness, and gratitude lately.
Additionally, I've recently started to meditate again, much thanks to a conversation with my best friend that reminded me....I should really start taking my own advice.

My mantras during practice have been simple, but effective:

No fear. Be here. Be Light. Be love.

It has dawned on me over the past few weeks that nothing bad can come from living and leading with love and letting go of all else.
Most importantly, love for yourself.
One should feel worthy of the gifts they receive, especially the love they receive...from the universe...from others....from themselves.

I have allowed myself to be fearful recently...and it has led me into old patterns that I worked very hard to break.
I have been fearful of surrendering....I have become scared of outcomes....and this has hindered my potential to live within my essence.... it has stopped me from catching even small glimpses of spirit..even though I had worked so hard since January to see it....in even the smallest of things..like the wings of a butterfly or the shadows the sun casts upon the wall in the mornings.

And I began to miss that feeling...

And so without judgment, I allowed myself to have a setback.
And now, I move forward....and have decided to do so with two simple things:

Mindfulness. And...love.

Mindfulness in the sense that I focus on strictly one thing at a time...(granted, I still breathe through most activities).....but I am more focused on the present moment.
All mind chatter that arises..I acknowledge...and then I watch it pass...as a cloud in the sky would pass and I search for only the blue skies.... those moments of clarity that allow us to be completely in tune with the giant universal web of energy. This is our shared energy...life energy. Prana.

I try to catch myself as much as possible when I become a slacker....
For example, yesterday, right before yoga class, I was chatting with a great friend of mine and I was fully involved in our conversation....until I looked down at my feet and thought:

"shit, I need a pedicure."

I caught myself and started to laugh out loud....and reminded myself (and my friend) that I was trying to be more mindful. That I was trying to lead only with love. And because I love him, I wanted to dedicate that specific time to him...to yoga... and not focus on anything else, especially my toes.

And because most people look at me like from I'm another planet when I interrupt our conversations to tell them about my crazy theories and practices, he looked at me and basically called me a weirdo.. and then we continued to laugh and joke and be present...and in turn, created an awesome memory. Together.

My point is, that loving yourself and everything around you, even the weirdos, even the people that try to steal your peace, even the crazies, the good ones, your bosses, your clients, just loving life in general...creates unity...creates peace...and allows you to radiate light.
And that light is INFECTIOUS.

It spreads like fire.

This light, this love, it overrules and kills the fear... and it is crazy stubborn.... because you are always reminded of it.... because it can't, won't budge.

Even in the blue skies between those clouds of thought....love is present.
Love...is the universal energy.

And the more you lead with it...the more you will be connected to it.

It is life...it is feeling...it is the essence of being.....

"The opposite of love is indifference."
-Stubborn Love, The Lumineers

Nostalgia…..Now.

 

 

 

Remember…you will soon feel nostalgic about this very moment right now.

Someone posted a list on facebook this morning titled, “40 things that will make you feel old.”

Naturally, because my gray hair isn’t enough of a reminder, I clicked on the link and began to read.

The list made mention of how old the cast of Full House is now, it showed a picture of the dude from Blues Clues that totally gave me the creeps, reminded me of how important floppy disks used to be, did you know that the Motorola Razr is in a MUSEUM? A. MUSEUM.

I began to feel overwhelmingly….nostalgic….especially when I thought back to all those after-school-nickelodeon-Clarissa-Explains-It-All days.

Sigh.

And then I thought…..one day….I will feel the same exact way about right this second.

I’ll think back on the days when I came home to Charlie wagging his tail (or whatever excuse of a tail he has), afternoons on the beach, happy hours with friends, evenings watching the sun go down at the Galleon, getting beat up by the sloppy waves near the pier, drinking wine and listening to Billy Holiday at Chill, golf cart rides in the middle of the night, Orange Blossom Festivals, laughing at the Onion exhibit at  Art Basel, Namaste Mondays, Reggae and Country filled festivals on the sand, barefoot walks on west coast shores, various laundry dates… and I’ll have the same longing for this time that I have for the Sailor Moon Days.

Each phase of life is as important as the next.

All of them are impermanent.

All of them will be looked back on and missed.

So I thought….why not miss it now? Long for it now? This way, I’ll want what I already have.

And therefore…..I will not want…..at all…..

Evidently, nostalgia for the now turns into satisfaction…..detachment……and therefore breeds peace within.

And contentment.

Just a thought.

 

Joy....and flying....(vulnerably)

"What is joy?
It is a bird
That we all want to catch.
It is the same bird
That we all love to see flying"
- Sri Chinmoy

I've had this aching.... burning desire to write for the past couple of days.
My hands have literally been twitching at the thought.....

I wonder if this happens to anyone else out there.

I've fought the urge to write, though, because of fear......silly fear.

I'm afraid of releasing things into the universe sometimes......even though I often preach about making positive waves....I've found that I have somehow programmed myself to believe that if I talk about the greatness and the joy, that somehow, I will be jinxed.

This, ladies and gentlemen, makes me a big fat hypocrite.

And so in the spirit of practicing what I preach.....I shall write.

I will release the positive....as well as the negative.....because there is not one without the other.

Recently, I've read and heard people talk about the power of vulnerability.

I have been impacted deeply by the thought that having the courage to live vulnerably can completely alter the way you live, the way you love, the way you  impact others, and controls how wide you open the door to the universe.

From vulnerability comes the idea that failing and making mistakes is the norm...and it allows you to truly LEARN......to continue to learn...without limits.....without judgment.

From vulnerability comes the opportunity to live wholly.....to live genuinely............honest....light.

Over the past few months, I've been forced into a state of vulnerability....this feeling came without premeditated thought or pretense, and for this, I am eternally grateful.

It has been through this state, that I have met and formed bonds with truly amazing people.
People who have opened my eyes, who have been kind, who have scared the shit out of me....people who have supported me...who love me.....without judgment...or ulterior motives......people who fit.

People who fit....perfectly.....each in their own special -puzzle-piece-sorta-way, some have even shown me more kindness and blind faith than I have ever seen in my entire life.
Eternally grateful.

I went for a run on the beach the other morning....as the sun played peek a boo with me....one eye at a time....smiling at me from just underneath the sea...as I sat down to taunt the playful sun, I had the strangest, overwhelming feeling of joy and sadness and love and peace....something I have never ever felt in my entire life.......and I began to weep.

I looked around as tears fell....to make sure no one was around...and I wept.....cried like a baby...... and they were tears of relief....of mourning.....of fear....of concern.....of happiness.....tears of joy.

And right there, on the sand.....through tears and snot and sweat....I watched the sun....and I thought of Krishna.

Krishna is often depicted as a trickster, as a child, playing the flute....eating butter...smiling, mischievously....
.....and I imagined Krishna taking the form of the sun....and he was there....mocking me...and reminding me that, in the end, through all the pain, and the confusion, there will be tears. Happy tears.

And then I began to laugh. Like a lunatic.

So the whole point is, that every single bread crumb......every single speed bump (however big or small) has a purpose......and every single being, idea, action.....is a bridge....a bridge towards the sun.

Towards the light......towards Krishna....or God....or the universe.....or......

And you are too......so, it's okay to be bummed....and it's okay to feel joy....and to fly....to be vulnerable...and light......

And the search continues......through happy tears....

Eternally.

Grateful.

The engine in my truck blew up on Sunday.

Dark road, music blasting….trudging right along….and then all of a sudden…

Engine. Just. Stops.

My poor little “flaca” has been through a wreck, a facelift, and now some very, very serious gastrointestinal issues.

It’s rather strange how unusually sad this makes me.

She has carried me through some serious times in my life.

The past three months included.

I think she can sense what I’ve been experiencing…..sympathy pains, perhaps?

I too, have currently been through a wreck of sorts….and if you can compare serious gastrointestinal problems to very serious problems of the heart….then…yes…..

“La flaca” is currently experiencing sympathy pains…..

This is the only conclusion I can draw.

Ironically on December 5^th, I received a bittersweet letter in the mail.

Sweet because it reminded me of the inception and bitter because it reminded me of the end…..

Truth is….even the sun must set at some point…..

With light, dark.

With joy, heartache.

With ecstasy, pain.

There is not one without the other.

“When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”Khalil Gibran

I have been living in a whirlwind shit-storm of emotions lately ….elephant sitting on my shoulders…..thoughts constantly racing….world’s been spiraling out from underneath me for quite some time now…..

But I am here.

Now.

And I am calm.

I am awake.

I am able.

And strong…

Even though at times it feels as though I’m falling to pieces….there is a sense of peace that fills me….strength that comes from a distant place….a place I can’t seem to understand.

But it exists….and for this, I am truly grateful.

The people who surround me have slowly become guardian angels.

Or bridges…suspended by strings….crossing mine with impeccable timing.

Some call me every single day to check on me, others send me messages and flowers and love and I can feel the intention….and this fills me…sustains me….nurtures me….

Some are always with me…throughout the day…even at night in my dreams….in my thoughts and in my hopes….my affirmations…..my manifestations.

This fills the holes in my heart…and fights away the nightmares and the pain and the fear.

Often I wonder if I even deserve all of this …..I can’t help but think of how many times I’ve failed.

Failed at giving myself fully to those who needed me and I think of all the times I could have done more….provided….put forth……

I have failed time and time again…over and over…..

Failed at saving others….at saving myself….at giving my all…at resisting temptation….at letting go….

But just like with blacks and whites….there is no success without failure……

And so I accept this….as much as it hurts me….as much as doing the right thing may very well be the hardest thing I have ever done…and as much as it constantly burns me with the regrets…the wishes….the fear….anxiety…..guilt….failure……

There is the now..the present….and it is fully fueled by both the good and the evil…..

One pushing the other like the gears in la flaca…..gripping each other….thrusting forward..…revolving….proceeding…moving onward…..

With each failure…with each regret….with each loss…..

The opportunity to succeed…change…gain.

And so engines are replaced…and wounds turn into scars….and time passes….and life is short…

And I am here.

Now.

With light and love always…..here.