The engine in my truck blew up on Sunday.
Dark road, music blasting….trudging right along….and then all of a sudden…
Engine. Just. Stops.
My poor little “flaca” has been through a wreck, a facelift, and now some very, very serious gastrointestinal issues.
It’s rather strange how unusually sad this makes me.
She has carried me through some serious times in my life.
The past three months included.
I think she can sense what I’ve been experiencing…..sympathy pains, perhaps?
I too, have currently been through a wreck of sorts….and if you can compare serious gastrointestinal problems to very serious problems of the heart….then…yes…..
“La flaca” is currently experiencing sympathy pains…..
This is the only conclusion I can draw.
Ironically on December 5th, I received a bittersweet letter in the mail.
Sweet because it reminded me of the inception and bitter because it reminded me of the end…..
Truth is….even the sun must set at some point…..
With light, dark.
With joy, heartache.
With ecstasy, pain.
There is not one without the other.
“When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”Khalil Gibran
I have been living in a whirlwind shit-storm of emotions lately ….elephant sitting on my shoulders…..thoughts constantly racing….world’s been spiraling out from underneath me for quite some time now…..
But I am here.
Now.
And I am calm.
I am awake.
I am able.
And strong…
Even though at times it feels as though I’m falling to pieces….there is a sense of peace that fills me….strength that comes from a distant place….a place I can’t seem to understand.
But it exists….and for this, I am truly grateful.
The people who surround me have slowly become guardian angels.
Or bridges…suspended by strings….crossing mine with impeccable timing.
Some call me every single day to check on me, others send me messages and flowers and love and I can feel the intention….and this fills me…sustains me….nurtures me….
Some are always with me…throughout the day…even at night in my dreams….in my thoughts and in my hopes….my affirmations…..my manifestations.
This fills the holes in my heart…and fights away the nightmares and the pain and the fear.
Often I wonder if I even deserve all of this …..I can’t help but think of how many times I’ve failed.
Failed at giving myself fully to those who needed me and I think of all the times I could have done more….provided….put forth……
I have failed time and time again…over and over…..
Failed at saving others….at saving myself….at giving my all…at resisting temptation….at letting go….
But just like with blacks and whites….there is no success without failure……
And so I accept this….as much as it hurts me….as much as doing the right thing may very well be the hardest thing I have ever done…and as much as it constantly burns me with the regrets…the wishes….the fear….anxiety…..guilt….failure……
There is the now..the present….and it is fully fueled by both the good and the evil…..
One pushing the other like the gears in la flaca…..gripping each other….thrusting forward..…revolving….proceeding…moving onward…..
With each failure…with each regret….with each loss…..
The opportunity to succeed…change…gain.
And so engines are replaced…and wounds turn into scars….and time passes….and life is short…
And I am here.
Now.
With light and love always…..here.
