I just picked up an old journal, for no reason at all, and began to read.
It was from January and I was writing from an airport in Trinidad.
Laying on my suitcase.
On the floor.
In the middle of the night.
My world had recently been completely turned upside down.
I was being guided strictly by a crazy unseen force that told me to get on an airplane.
And so I took whatever change I had secretly collected after the divorce, and I booked a flight.
January 19, 2013
"I am light at the moment. Not weighed down by man or woman. Or prison, or guilt, or furniture or things. It's as if there are no weights. No anchors. No structure or outcome in sight.
Most of my being is scared to death. Overcome by fear. It's as if a security blanket has been lifted off of my life and I feel terribly...open.... and magnificently vulnerable. I feel open to receive...open to live....and this feeling is frightening. But isn't this what I've been asking for all along?
And here comes that same feeling again -of- 'I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve all of this LOVE...all of these wonderful things.' And so anxiety fills me....and I can't help but wonder if the rug will be swept out from underneath me all over again. I have to constantly remind myself that I am the only one holding myself hostage. I am creating my very own prison....and I catch myself saying out loud.... 'I am free....I am free....I am free'"
I've been reading a lot about love, fear, mindfulness, and gratitude lately.
Additionally, I've recently started to meditate again, much thanks to a conversation with my best friend that reminded me....I should really start taking my own advice.
My mantras during practice have been simple, but effective:
No fear. Be here. Be Light. Be love.
It has dawned on me over the past few weeks that nothing bad can come from living and leading with love and letting go of all else.
Most importantly, love for yourself.
One should feel worthy of the gifts they receive, especially the love they receive...from the universe...from others....from themselves.
I have allowed myself to be fearful recently...and it has led me into old patterns that I worked very hard to break.
I have been fearful of surrendering....I have become scared of outcomes....and this has hindered my potential to live within my essence.... it has stopped me from catching even small glimpses of spirit..even though I had worked so hard since January to see it....in even the smallest of things..like the wings of a butterfly or the shadows the sun casts upon the wall in the mornings.
And I began to miss that feeling...
And so without judgment, I allowed myself to have a setback.
And now, I move forward....and have decided to do so with two simple things:
Mindfulness. And...love.
Mindfulness in the sense that I focus on strictly one thing at a time...(granted, I still breathe through most activities).....but I am more focused on the present moment.
All mind chatter that arises..I acknowledge...and then I watch it pass...as a cloud in the sky would pass and I search for only the blue skies.... those moments of clarity that allow us to be completely in tune with the giant universal web of energy. This is our shared energy...life energy. Prana.
I try to catch myself as much as possible when I become a slacker....
For example, yesterday, right before yoga class, I was chatting with a great friend of mine and I was fully involved in our conversation....until I looked down at my feet and thought:
"shit, I need a pedicure."
I caught myself and started to laugh out loud....and reminded myself (and my friend) that I was trying to be more mindful. That I was trying to lead only with love. And because I love him, I wanted to dedicate that specific time to him...to yoga... and not focus on anything else, especially my toes.
And because most people look at me like from I'm another planet when I interrupt our conversations to tell them about my crazy theories and practices, he looked at me and basically called me a weirdo.. and then we continued to laugh and joke and be present...and in turn, created an awesome memory. Together.
My point is, that loving yourself and everything around you, even the weirdos, even the people that try to steal your peace, even the crazies, the good ones, your bosses, your clients, just loving life in general...creates unity...creates peace...and allows you to radiate light.
And that light is INFECTIOUS.
It spreads like fire.
This light, this love, it overrules and kills the fear... and it is crazy stubborn.... because you are always reminded of it.... because it can't, won't budge.
Even in the blue skies between those clouds of thought....love is present.
Love...is the universal energy.
And the more you lead with it...the more you will be connected to it.
It is life...it is feeling...it is the essence of being.....
"The opposite of love is indifference."
-Stubborn Love, The Lumineers
